i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
You know, it doesn't really count as a walk of shame if you guys showered together the next morning
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
Ok not good, my info has definitely been submitted to this sugar daddy website before.
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
Omg in one week, two guys with their own names tattooed on their bodies had their tongues in my mouth. Self loathing shall commence now.
what the fuck happened to the tacos
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