how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
It was great. He never spoke.
That's not why it was great, just that's all I remember.
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
Randomize
