Dude she has a bf and shes on lockdown more than Nelson Mandela in 95
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
Lol I'm just saying its too early for your penis, I can accept it but at a more decent hour
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
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