tonight lets celebrate not being married
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
We BOTH lost our virginities there. It's basically a landmark.
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
Pretty sure my first birthday present will be a pic of an 18-year-old's cock. And I am OK with that
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
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