What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
so my car got towed last night. I didnt know it cost 118 dollars to have a college experience
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
Just consider it? What else do you have going on today that could be as awesome as a day full of lord of the rings and sex?
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
Randomize
