Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
and then some norwegians asked us to be in their porno.
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
You just missed an honest to god bukkake
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
A total of 3 guys left my apartment this morning. That was my first clue to my black out endeavors last night. Gotta love wine Wednesdays.
Randomize
