Totally smoking with fifteen year olds.
so all night Ive been that girl with her tits out @ the bar. I mean I dropped jaws, yo. But in a classy way.
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
Yeah I mean once a gun is being waved around, its probably a good time to leave the party
But the music was sooo good
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
Randomize
