I love you. And by the way. I found out a way for you to train your gag reflex. Elliot taught us in math.
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
I think it was a smart move. Quickest way to get over a guy, hook up with his friends.
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
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