Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
You discussed the Arab/Israeli conflict with the guy behind the counter at the Kebab shop telling him you supported his people. He was clearly Asian.
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
please come here right now, that girl who always gets her boob out is here and she brought taco bell
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
Randomize
