This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
I don't remember much, but my night is dated pre-Jaeger and post-Jaeger. Also, my boss may or may not have tucked me in.
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
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