so he expects you to be his vegas whore for the season. nice.
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
the boy next to me on the plane handed me a shot glass, then a perkaset, and told me to have a good week off..hellllo spring break.
Yeah like at least with a penis what you see is what you get with a vagina there can always be a surprise inside
i walked toward the cop car thinking it was the liquor store lights nd by that time it was too late to escape the trap
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
last night we were hooking up when all the sudden he just murmured "mm blonde". i don't know what to think about this situation.
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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