Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
Just saw a drunk bitch in the west village peeing on a car. You are not alone.
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
And then my night got REAL pukey
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
I just kept hitting the drum to get thru the crowd to the bar. Surprisingly it worked
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
And then she proceeded to tell us that blowing your brother made her feel like part of the family. At this point you were still pretending to be a cat. Need I give another reason she can't live with us?
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