happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
I just need to know if he's either really genuine about being in my life or being in my vagina.
Was just explained ingredients in a four loko. Puzzles of the universe starting to piece together.
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
he kissed both of us goodnight when we dropped him off...I didn't know if I was more offended or impressed
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
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