just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
Just saw a british exchange student take a flyer for free dental care. Yes.
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
I think it really helped to be hungover at accepted students day. it gave me a good feel for how it would be everyday if I go there.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
Just opened my sisters laptop to "cute places to lose my virginity" googled last
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
Randomize
