So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
He told me I was the only person he wanted to fuck in his rental mini van. Thats so romantic for a fuck buddy relationship.
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
like I licked Molly off a boys palm last night at a bar I think its ok to eat chicken once a week
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
Randomize
