I feel like i'm in "To Catch a Predator - The Musical"
shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
I just found our entire wall-to-wall from September 2006 printed out and clipped... it's 49 pages. Blackout me is so considerate of bored-at-work me
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
Randomize