You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
Another Sunday, another 100 chicken nuggets
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
Randomize
