I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
The Vegas crew is in two groups, Team Vodka and Team Fireball. There is no winner in this.
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
Do you knowhow much it sucks to puke in an automatic toilet? Not fun.
Ew.
It takes talent let's just say that
Plan b and 5 hour enegery breakfast of a champion
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Randomize
