Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
New beer pong partner names "Bus Boys" ... We clear tables
all he has to do is look at me on new years and hes getting laid. thats how hot he is
apparently i was cut off before i even walked in
Well yes but because of that incident i now salute to truck drivers
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
He puked in the middle of it and I still wasn't disappointed.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
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