wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
He's a huge toolbag douche loser with a below average dick who doesn't know how to treat a girlfriend. He was my rebound after Brady. It was a pitiful 1 month rebound "extravaganza"
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
He showed me his night stand drawer...it has one too many sex things in it.
Exactly how many...is TOO many?
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
My school has hired a professional rum bottle juggler for our dining hall this evening.
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
Randomize
