Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
i just saw a midget buying condoms and graham crackers. i wonder which was the impluse buy.
So they call this "a walk of shame" but fuck that...this walk is fantastic. What kind of debbie downer came up with that name?
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
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