If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
you bet i'm gonna rock his four-foot-two world.
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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