Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
so as we were driving to pick up my grandma from old navy she procedes to yell into our open window.. "I'll make ya holla fo a dolla" umm...
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
Do you think I could use my teacher of month Award to get free drinks?
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
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