I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
Trying to do the walk of shame over here WHY are there a hundred ppl on the el?! Thank god I pulled a summit and wore casual clothes I even stopped by the farmers market and bought some squash
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
I'm not the kind of girl that sleeps with someone else's boyfriend. But I'm getting waxed just in case I change my mind...
have you ever tried to puke in an automatic flushing toilet? impossible
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
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