My roommate still talks on AIM. What is this middle school?
I don't remember much but I know I looked hot.
The last thing I remember is him grabbing my ass and telling me he knew where the jello shots were, so I followed him.
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
He made me promise not to describe his penis in detail to you....oops.
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