Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
She's the hottest girl I've ever seen before and didn't lose her virginity until she was 19. As men, I take it as failure on our part that hot 19 year old virgins still exist.
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
I wish you'd make everyone's lives easier and do him already. Then we can get rid of him.
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
is there a line between daddy kink and oedipus complex?
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
Randomize