My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
Transgendered man at work dawning a slutty batman costume. I hate Halloween
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
No padding. I spent my whole summer with my nips out. October don't need that too.
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
I'm too high and old for this...
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
Randomize
