My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
Its not really a relationship, its more of a sex for booze program.
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
good it was pretty cute, also what would bong water do to a puppy?
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
When he swipes my v card it will be comparable to my bat mitzvah. should I make sweatshirts or sweatpants?
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
Also this morning I remembered seeing the stripper he threw up on later in the night. She was clothed though.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
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