I wannas sexs uuuuu
Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
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