im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
apparently i started the naked brigade. and depantsed everyone who wasn't naked. her parents must hate me.
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
Your ability to be a slut in your nightmare astounds me
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
I slept with a Brazillian Man, That's why I'm Watching The World Cup
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
Randomize
