Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
HIS NAME IN MY PHONE IS JOSHUA DREAMCHASER I CAN NOT
NO SHAME NOVEMBER
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
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