dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
Woke up next to a slice if pizza. From what i can tell I tried to plug it into my phone charger. No more blackout wednesdays for this girl.
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