Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
Giving the kids Children's Claritin and calling it candy.....Is it setting them up for drug abuse later?
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
Safe to say I'm terrified but totally AMPED
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
Randomize
