Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
If I wanted to fuck someone, I'd go for John. I'm meeting Bryan cuz I wanna get to know him better. And eventually fuck him. But not this Tuesday.
maybe almost giving yourself a concussion counter acts a hangover
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
you started putting peanut butter on your pubes.
Randomize
