Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
I dk what to do with this kid he is like legitimately interested in my life.
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
well he is only 50 percent black.. but after last night i am 100 percent not going back
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
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