u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
And my fence, why is part of it on the roof?
All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
so I woke up without pants, but my cardigan was still on and fully buttoned. curious.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
Randomize
