Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
ya i found him eventually. hes the only one who drinks guiness so I just had to follow the darkest green puke trail
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
Did body shots with a guy... Ended up being the ref of my volleyball game... So that's why we won
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
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