Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
he let me wear his jacket and there was a magnum and a bowl in his pocket ... I think im in love
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
We smoked a huge blunt and then laid in bed naked eating strawberry shortcake good humor bars. We have the perfect relationship.
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
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