Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
so as we were driving to pick up my grandma from old navy she procedes to yell into our open window.. "I'll make ya holla fo a dolla" umm...
we talked about european history as he fucked me from behind in the shower... i think it was a success
and my loofah got caught on my nipple ring in the shower today. what an awful experience.
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
Both our collective sex appeal dies once someone cums on a snuggie kayla
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
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