we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
we need a dd. For wednesday. At lunch. What are we doing with our lives?
succeeding
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
Chugged a beer while being walked to the bathroom by campus police to pour the beers out.
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
I would let Bear Grills repel down a waterfall using my dick if I could go to sleep right now.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
Randomize
