If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
They were loudly fucking last night and there was way too much conversation involved. It wasn't even dirty talk, it was more like "your doing it wrong" talk
she gave me her number and i just said "no. cant."
I have bite marks all over my ass. Is that an acceptable excuse for missing class?
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
Randomize
