Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
it's fine if we fail the bar, we were never going to satisfy the moral character requirement anyway
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
Yes. I masterbate to Harry Potter. It's what our generation does.
Micheal let me call him captain america while we fucked. It was awesome
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