life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
erin looks like she hung out with the sham wow guy last night. she's got the beat up hooker look goin' on
Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
This girls a $30 bar tab from being bi
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
just got hammed at grandma and grampas 30th aniversary bash .. from the looks i was getting im guessing i wont be seeing an inheritance ...
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
I was looking threw the photos on my phone. There is 8 different ones of us peeing on things.
I still have a little drunk in my system
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
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