Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
You obviously dont comprehend the level of insane i operate at
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
Let's just say his oral game was lacking. Hell, lacking is too nice of a word to describe it.
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
I BLEED THE BLOOD OF MY ANCESTORS WHO FOUGHT SO BRAVELY FOR MY FREEDOM
cool u want pads or tampons
tampons please
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
Put down the Captain Crunch and get over here. It’s a dickfest!!
Randomize
