the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
I figured he was gay when I walked in on him working out to Flirty Girl Fitness.
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
I remember seeing his penis I just dont know exactly what I did with it
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
Naked and Afraid: Hangover edition
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
He played Harry Potter Fan Fiction videos to get me in the mood. He might be the one.
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
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