Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
once we finished he held up the condom and asked if i wanted to keep it as a souvenir.
oh and he was serious.
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
She told me I should be a condom model.
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
Walt I've been the third wheel taking shotssssssssssssssssolo. Each s is for each solo shot.
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
ill be fine wheb you get back. I'm gunna do real world things like washing the dishes. having to perform serious tasks brings you down.
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
DICK PUNCH EXTRAVAGANZAAAAAA!!!!!
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
she said that no one there was hot enough for her so she then proceeded to give the passed out person a lap dance because he was "her type."
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