She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
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