Getting food. Want anything?
Vagina. Double meat no buns. I have the secret sauce
I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
But I aced my quizzes. Apparently flash card beer pong is an acceptable form of studying.
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
Can you get winded from lip syncing? I don't know how Britney does it
It's so weird fucking this kids aunt then going to the gym with him everyday, but my sick minded self loves it.
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
Randomize
