Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
love being home for thanksgiving just had grandma pick me up from the frat by her house
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
Honestly the war on drugs is dumb and you can just sleep in my bed which is mega comfortable anytime you want. There I said it
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
Do I masturbate or eat a pound of matazah. Alissa help what do I do??
Yeah. Broke it off. Saw her cheating after she forgot to turn her zoom off. Ring=$$$. Not making that mistake-priceless
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