first missing my period. then crying at the clinic... but why?
we had sex 3 months ago. you missed your period 2 weeks ago. but nice try.
he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
I remember having the weirdest thoughts and thinking our room was a compass and we were in the compass or something.
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
I saw your dick pic and thought there goes the last thread of my heterosexuality.
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
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