I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
Im gonna wear a random assortment of things for Halloween, guy with the most creative answer gets laid
Some dude with an OSU jersey just kissed him in the face in front of everyone. I should mention he's wearing a Panda costume. And has already been offered $20 for his suit by Plushies for oral sex.
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Your ex spoke highly of your penis and it’s skill. I’m interested in learning more about it ;-)
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Randomize
