i wish there were pregnant emoticons
I'd appreciated it if you didn't lick my boyfriends face again. I'm askin nicely. Thank you.
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
