i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
Well after the shots I danced with a homeless guy, split my toe on broken glass, and had a 20 piece mcnugget. Who says postgrad life is boring.
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
So you're not opposed to us ever having sex again? Because it just seems like such a waste to let a penis like yours go.
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
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