Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
It was amazing what she could do with her one good arm.
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
I'm a busy girl. All I wanted was noncommittal sex a few times a week
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
He slapped my ass and his clap-on light turned on.
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
He invites me over too FucK and i wind up eating 6 jimboys tacos with his roommates. While he waited in his room. Maybe next time
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Randomize
