THE most awkward situation I have EVER been in
Also, I just threw up a little in my mouth and had to act like everything was totally fine.
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
What's the point of having 3 fuck buddies when their periods all seem to sync up
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
2 girls slept in my bed with me. 3 more girls slept on a mattress on my floor. The furthest I got was cuddling. Here's my man card.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
Randomize
