Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
i should have probably stopped drinking when my beer pong shots were hitting the other team in the face..
yeah thats usually a good indication.
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
How does a law student 15 days away from graduation prepare for a pass fail final? Drinking beer, eating thick cut bacon, and watching game of thrones, that's how
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
IT IS NICKEL SHIT NIGHT
*shot. Why
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
Randomize