I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
Youre on making sure I dont black out around fat chicks duty
he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
I'm not as easy in Europe as I am in the US
Only because you can wipe your slut slate clean & start anew. It's a little known benefit of our currency exchange.
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
So I've decided that blue balls for lesbians is rainbow balls and the struggle is real
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
Randomize
