That's when you crack a 10am beer
How can she be afraid to give you a blowjob? It's not like your penis is going to turn on her and eat her.
To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
Randomize
