i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
And hes hitting me with his balls, really hard.
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
is it bad that listening to the rabbi's wife talk about how we should only be with one person is making me really, really horny for no string attached sex
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
Sure. But we have to be quiet.
Ninja mode activated
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
Don't have sex in a tent there are so many opportunities for infections
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
Randomize
