yeah it's now facebook official. i can no longer pretend shes my girl on the side
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
gymnastic barn sex. fuck i wish i hadn't blacked out
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
Randomize
