I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
saw you walking with that piece of shit
and that piece of shit just read that
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
i dont know what to do
with your life?
no, with my silly bandz, im already wearing 3
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
I told my mom about how you got white girl wasted and sobbed about Whitney Houston. She sends her condolences.
tell her thanks so much
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
I just fell out of my doorway to go to class so if that doesn't describe how my night went idk what will
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
Verdict: uncircumcised.
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
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