I'm gonna have a badass scar
Her name starts with A and ends with whore.
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
apparently they wrote a song entitled "butt slut" about her... im thinking shes not girlfriend material.
Jordan and I are drunk and barred out at the liquor store sitting in the awesome $70 Corona bench bargaining with the owner for a lower price, all while passing the Belvedere bottle between the two of us. Real life. College has down this.
This guy just told me he wanted to bathe in bong water with me and then tried to lick my nipple through my bra. This could be love.
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
He says we're "annoying" but that's an odd word to describe a couple of heroic liquor saiyans
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
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