just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
Okay, I just got to our real hotel and the YMCA may have been a better choice. A man w/ no shirt on
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
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