May or may not have found my way onto a stripper bus. To Chicago.
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
I was ready to fuck him until he pulled the "I might be bi curious" card. Now its turned into a guilt fuck. It's like he's a 3rd world child in need of a sexual orientation.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
we played animal sounds and i linked arms with her cuz we were both cats....fate and my community college drama teacher have chosen my one night stand
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
I've had sex near too many of the blankets to let our parents touch them like this
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
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